Author’s Note: This is…well, I don’t really know how to explain this post. But it is an attempt at honesty on my part. Not shaming, not condemning, nothing like that. It’s just something that I need to purge from my soul. No one is under any obligation to read it.
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The Holiday Season is a time of joy and family and friends and all of that wonderful stuff. But it also one of the easiest seasons in which to feel loneliness pressing in. That feeling of being alone in the crowd. That’s kind of where I am right now.
This is me feeling lonely. A lot of my formerly really close friendships just aren’t that close anymore due to distance, life changes, etc., and I know that’s a part of life and the passage of time. But I also feel that some of my current friendships are just incidental and not as close or meaningful as I’d like them to be, though I feel like I’m trying very hard. That may just be my view, however, and maybe, when viewed from the outside, I could very well be wrong; but I really feel like I’m trying. I don’t want grade school friendships anymore, friendships that have a ceiling that is, when all is said and done, inconsequential and not rooted in understanding, honesty, or something meaningful. It’s just…loneliness. I know that probably sounds selfish and childish but it’s just where my head is right now.
I personally hate it when I’m blindsided by this because then I just can’t shake it, which why I’m here right now. So, that being said, if you’re not interested, you don’t have to stick around and read the rest of this post. But, if you feel like this, I want you to know that you aren’t really alone, at least not in feeling the way you do.
In all honesty, it’s just hard to feel like I reach and reach and reach and then have to just sit and wait. To give people their space, give them the chance to reach back, and all that. But, the longer I wait, the less I’m convinced that people actually care. That may be really mean but that’s what was in my head when I woke up this morning. You know, when I actually think about it honestly, I know that there are people who care, who love me, and who reach out to me. But, when I get deep into my own head and heart like this, it just feels like the not’s overwhelm everything else. I try to keep this in mind: that a good number of my friends have a similar temperament to my own and we tend to retreat inward rather than reach out. It might be for fear of rejection or, maybe ever more the worse, of silence. I try to remember that and be understanding/empathetic of it and patient.
I know that, all things considered, my personal situation is, in some ways, much easier than that of some of my friends, at least currently (at least in terms of time, work, and the like), and I try to keep that in mind, too, when I start to spiral. Sometimes the perspective helps, but sometimes not. Feelings are sometimes not so easily banished by logic. At the same time, however, I don’t want to chance annoying people by being constantly there at their hip, figuratively speaking, and bugging them or something. I know that other people have very busy lives of their own and, even while I do want some attention (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t) and to feel important, I often feel guilty for being just one more thing to deal with at times. I know that probably most of my friends and the people I know would say that I’m not ‘just one more thing’ but tell that to my psyche, which has an awful lot of time on its hands sometimes.
It is honestly hard for me to go out and make friends of my own sometimes. It’s a vulnerability that makes me nervous and, frankly, scared. A goodly portion of my current friend-base I have met through my husband, at least over the past few years. Yes, there are a few exceptions. Because of that, however, I sometimes feel a little peripheral. (I don’t blame him. He is pretty awesome, kind of why I married him, you know.) I know that it’s probably not entirely true but it’s how it feels sometimes.
In short, I think and feel a lot and I don’t always like it or know how to put it into words. (And sometimes I put it into way too many words.) And, even though I may feel so, I know I’m not the only one who feels this way every now and again. So…whoever you are, wherever you are, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone, however you may feel it. Don’t give up. Cry if you need to. Vent, scream, talk, write. But don’t give up. Keep reaching, keep trying, keep being brave and vulnerable. There are people who care for you, people who feel for you, love you, and think you valuable. There are people who will reach back, as I am being reminded today. And thank you.