NaBloPoMo Day 13: Walking Backward in Words


Last night, as my husband was working on setting up his post-apocalyptic city in “Fallout 4”, I sat on the floor of the den by his couch and opened a particular box. This box holds the dearest of my correspondence. Letters, cards, and photos, precious pieces of memory from friends, family, and loved ones. Stacks are held together by pretty ribbon, several cards or letters sometimes set together in the same envelope to save space. But I was in search of one letter in particular; it is coupled together with a candid photo of me and the woman whom I call my mentor, my “Frodo”.

Of all the years that we have known each other and the times that she has written to me, this is the only letter I have left. The others are probably packed away somewhere else that I cannot recall. So this is the only letter of hers that I currently hold in my close possession, and it is the most precious to me. This was a letter written to me for my wedding day. At the time, Erin was a missionary in Malawi and unable to make it back for my wedding (which broke my heart a little, I admit), but she sent this letter on ahead of herself, with instructions that it wasn’t to be opened until the day of my marriage ceremony. So I waited.

When I rolled out of bed on the morning of July 22, 2006, I reached over to the nightstand, where this letter sat waiting atop my journal. I opened it tenderly and devoured the words inside. It is two pages of plain paper, covered in words written in her lovely hand, and I could hear my beloved Adona’s (what equates to “Bosslady” in Chichewe) voice rising from those words to meet my ears. Even more so, though, I could feel her voice in my heart.

She wrote: “I wish you nothing but joy, Melissa, this day and always. I wish you trials and hard times to challenge you and Ben together. I wish you the simplicity of the moment. I wish you a grand adventure together, laughing, crying, and truly knowing each moment. For these things, and above all else for awareness of His Presence. I will continue to bathe you and Ben in prayer. And it is precisely these things for which I have no doubt — you will find them. You always have, since that first day I laid eyes upon you, and I saw a heart full of love and a life full of potential.”

This is an opinion of me that I have striven to live up to for the past, not only for Erin’s sake but for mine. To be the woman God created me to be, to show to others the love that He showered on me through Erin and other dear ones who have made such an impact on my life for so much the better. Erin saw what God was endeavoring to build in me long before I ever did and she guided me into ministry opportunities that have influenced me ever since.

Over the past almost-ten years, Ben and I have indeed had joys and trials, laughter and tears, and God has never left our sides, even when were stubborn and tried to do things on our own or our way. He has always been there, arms open to us and holding us tightly. And we have only just begun.

I sat and read and cried. I remembered and thanked God for my friend who, though still farther away than I would like, has done and continues to do so much good in my life. For her letter that got a beautiful day off to a memorable and tender start. And for her prayers that continue to follow and cover me day in and day out.

NaBloPoMo Day 12, Part 2: A Lady’s Journal Excerpted


Author’s Note: This is my journal entry from today as I sat alone in Panera Bread during lunchtime. It’s very stream of consciousness, I admit, but sometimes I just need to let my mind flow.

12 November 2015

Today is a most frabjous day! Today is my day out! A few hours all by myself! The little miss is out to luncheon with her grandparents so I can cavort by myself for a little bit. Of course, it’s only a few hours but I will take it!

So here I sit beside one of Panera’s big picture windows, watching the leaves dance around in the gales outside. Ladies bustle to and fro in lovely long sweaters, coats, and cardigans (of which I am one). Old friends are catching up at either table across from me. I just did my best Cho Chang expression and asked for a cheese pastie [though it was not a true pastie and just a cheese pastry, really]. And I am blessedly alone!

I am pretty in pastels and knee-high boots that lace in the back. My hair isn’t quite the fairy tale that it was yesterday, for being tousled and flirted with by nimble, windy fingers. (I am forcing myself to slowly down as I write this. There’s no need to rush right now.) I just watched a very handsome man with a handsome scarf exit his car and enter the restaurant. I just want to observe and record the world around me suddenly, the way I used to. It feels and tastes of winter outside, as if the Old Man’s reindeer are kicking up to be off on their heels. The air inside bites of too much cold for indoors right now. The sky is close and grey, thick like my favorite blanket. I just watched a leaf pirouette on the tip of its stem. My phone battery has run out; I really need a new one. That might be my Christmas request for this year. I find myself wishing to hear voices in the din, voices I know. I miss long lunches and longer conversations. Life can really get in the way sometimes, but I would never wish to change it. Too much risk and ingratitude in the wishing.

NaBloPoMo Day 12: Shades of Power and Beauty


A friend asked me my favorite colors the other day, for something she is making, and it took me almost a day to answer her, I think. Favoritism in respect to color is hard! Clothingwise, it really depends on the outfit and my mood at times. There are so many shades and so many reasons.

One of my favorite shades is pastel pink. It’s feminine and flirty and fun and it brings out the pink blush in my skin, my husband says. I think it does so in my cheeks. Put a white ribbon/headband in my hair and I feel all sorts of Betty Draper lovely.

I love maroon! It’s deep and rich and regal. It’s not as brazenly bold as red, maybe, nor dark enough to be too formal. But it’s heady wine shade makes me feel womanly, which is a power of its own.

Teal is cool, makes me feel mermaidy and fluid, like I can flow through anything, surmount any obstacle, or keep graceful under any stress. I usually pair it with black to round out the sultry side of the shade.

NaBloPoMo Day 11, Part 2: Moments in Lines


Tonight I felt like writing, though I wasn’t sure exactly what to write. Thankfully, I have a handy-dandy 500 Writing Prompts book that a friend gave me two weeks ago. So I flipped it open and picked a few prompts that called to me.

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What makes you feel invincible?

A hot shower. Believe it or not, a hot shower almost always feels like it restores my humanity. Better yet, a hot shower and full moisturizing routine. Better still, a hot shower with a decadent body wash and a rub down with lavender baby oil gel immediately after I get out. When I am dry, soft, and smelling sweet, I feel as if I am armored and ready to take on the world.

In what ways are you resilient?

I believe that I am resilient in my refusal to go hard at the difficulties in the world. I dislike the person I am when I become hard, so I won’t. Being hard and being resilient are not the same thing.

I am resilient in that I will always try to get up and try again tomorrow. I fail. I fail a lot. I fail in big ways. But tomorrow is always a new day and a chance to try again. To say I’m sorry to those whom I have wronged. To ask forgiveness for my lack of love, kindness, and grace. It is always a new day to try again to be the person I was created to be, fully that person.

Now, I don’t know if this makes me resilient or just crazy but I have found, through different circumstances, that unless I am told (or it is implicated quite strongly) that a someone no longer interested in having me their life or wants anything to do with me, I will often keep reaching and trying to keep the communication lines open. Sometimes this is a painful course of action and sometimes it is a fruitful one. Sometimes those relationships work out and sometimes they don’t. But I know myself well enough to know that this is my usual course of action.

NaBloPoMo Day 11: Solid Words to Live By


As I have gone through life, I have found that there are several quotes and axioms and Scriptures that have resurfaced or repeated time and time again, often extremely pertinent, relevant, and poignant to just what I was experiencing at the time. Several of these have come to form cornerstones for me and the way I live my life. What I will include here are four of those soul foundations.

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NaBloPoMo Day 10: Doing


Today, I was drained before I even began. I was sapped and weary upon waking. My spoon drawer has been low and propensity for tears high. And yet I pushed myself to do. I couldn’t mope and wallow and cry, even though that was all I wanted to do. I threw myself into doing – cleaning, sorting, washing, tidying, preparing. Whatever it took to keep me moving when all I wanted was to lie down and be still.

Movement fights the fear. Doing battles the shadows that threaten my sleep. Exhaustion will hopefully quiet the dreams.

NaBloPoMo Day 9: On Down the Road


As I peer seven years down the road, I cannot See, of course, but I can imagine. I can paint my future with shades of “maybe” and “what if”, but, most of all, I can outline and foundation it with hope and faith and love.

In seven years, my little girl will be getting ready to turn ten and getting ever so tall and beautiful. If she follows in the vein that she had already begun, she will epitomize and embody the phrase “a fierce, spiky little thing” and I will still be admiring and working to temper her fearlessness and still trying to help refine her strong-willed nature. She will be reading and writing and imagining, hopefully still singing with all her heart and dancing with all that strength and exuberance that she shows now.

In seven years, I hope to see Ben exactly where God wants him and, moreover, knowing deeply and joyfully that it is exactly where God wants him and where he is supposed to be. Even more, it would thrill my soul if that coincided with some of the desires of his heart pertaining to ministry, learning, and writing.

As for myself, I am not sure where I will be in seven years. If I am working, I hope that it will be something that will enable me to make a good contribution to supporting our family, will not be too stressful (as in not drive me to therapy stressful), and where I will be able to use my knowledge and skills to be of assistance, even if it is just my organizational and editing skills. It would also be great if it was a job that I could leave at work at the end of the day and come home to be with my family with no guilt or proverbial sword of Damocles hanging over my head and drawing my mind away from what is so very important.

A great deal can happen in seven years and while I am hopeful for the future, I am not going to try to look too far down the road and miss those precious moments and experiences that are right in front of me today and just on the other side of tomorrow’s sunrise.

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NaBloPoMo Day 8: Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho!


I do not have a commute anymore, as I am currently an SAHM, but I used to rather enjoy my daily commute, especially when my husband and I worked at the same school corp. I would drive into work in the mornings and he would nap. He would drive home in the afternoons, enjoy his IPR programs, particularly “All Things Considered”, and sometimes I would nap. Most times, though, we would talk. We have some of our best talks in the car.

Now Ben makes a 40-45 minute commute each way every day alone and I miss that time with him. No doubt about it.

NaBloPoMo Day 7: Thoughts are Made of Single Words


The prompt for today asks me to write about two words or phrases that make me laugh. Truthfully, I cannot think of very many that I find that funny but I can think of several that are very profound and have stuck with me over the years.

One of them is one by Eleanor Roosevelt: “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” It might seem a little pessimistic but, honestly, it turned the tide of my mental talk in many ways. I cannot tell you where I first hear or read this quote, but it stuck with me, even if the proper words were lost and all that remained with me was the idea.

I spent a most of the first half of my life living in fear or people’s bad opinion, especially in my community. I truly and honestly believed that if people, including my parents, ever found out that I wasn’t the perfect girl they believed me to be, my life would be over. In a way, I think that fear was compounded by the thought that, if I didn’t ever leave the island and something happened that proved me painfully human, I would be stuck there. Stuck in the disappointment, stuck in the embarrassment, stuck in the whispers, stuck in all of it. Leaving for college afforded me the opportunity to forge my own life, my own path, my own reasons for believing as I believe and living as I live. Not for someone else’s approval but for God’s and, honestly, my own.

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Another quote that has stuck with me is one by C.S. Lewis: “Do not shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you others can see Him [God].” I have a ministry and purpose in life and I have been given the gifts to accomplish that purpose.  I want to reach out to the heart that is lonely or lost, that needs encouragement, that needs to know that someone is there and cares about them, regardless of sex, creed, belief system, skin color, whatever (theirs or mine). But I don’t do it because I want people to admire me. No. I do what I do because I want people to see God and His love for them. If I can be a vehicle for such love, I am all for that.

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NaBloPoMo Day 6: No One but “Mister”, No One But “Missus”…


Next year,  I will have been married for ten years. My husband and I have learned a great deal about each other, yet there is still much to learn. Ben works extremely hard each and every weekday (and Sunday) to make sure that I not only have what I need but that I have the means to get what I want. He frequently asks if I am okay and if he can help me if I seem stressed or tired (which is far more frequently than I like to admit). He continues to endeavor to learn my love languages and surprises me with little gifts now and again. He encourages me, tells me how proud he is of me, how glad he is that I am in his life.

I try to keep aware of Ben’s moods, ask if he is OK, if there is anything I can do to help when he is not. I endeavor to support him, uplift him, and encourage him through his teaching and pastoring work. I remind him all the time that I love him deeply and dearly, I am here because I choose to be here, want to be here, and I am not going anywhere.

We call each other helpmeet because that is what we are to each other: we are not only doing life together, we are helping each other through it, supporting and each holding the other up through times of life that are rough. We understand that there are periods of life when one will carry a higher percentage than another. Mine was when Ben was injured in a car wreck, his ankle in a splint/cast and him on crutches/a cane for four months. When I was pregnant, Ben took on a higher percentage of everything in life. Since having our daughter, he has taken on being the sole breadwinner for our family for the first few years of her life as I have been at home with her. We understand that there are periods of life when one will carry a higher percentage than another. However, that does not stop us from being grateful and wanting to make sure that we are doing whatever we can to help each other.

We have walked this road together for almost ten years. We are still growing, still learning each other as we age and grow and change along with life. We have made a great beginning together, I believe, and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together.

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