My head ached and my stomach roiled as I looked over the papers the other night: the lease for what we had been dearly hoping would become our new home. This was the next step in a new chapter for our little family, and I felt as though all my sense and surety had fled and failed me. All my certainty seemed to wobble underneath me, all that I was sure of before lost in a haze of “I don’t know,” and “Is this right?”
During a recent bedtime, our daughter told us that she believed God had told her that the house (over whose lease I was now laboring) was perfect for us. Honestly, we all thought so and had prayed and hoped deeply that our application might be approved. Then it was and now there I sat, suddenly questioning the last two weeks of my life and every decision made therein. It has been twelve years since we rented a home; was this lease fair? Where would the extra money come from for all this if something went wrong? What if no schools accepted my job applications? Was this indeed the next right thing, the right choice for our family? Now, we do believe that our little girl did indeed hear God’s voice in her heart, that she did hear Him answer her silent question of a new home. Yet, here I was: feeling sick to my stomach with uncertainty.
Needing a minute to clear my head, I sat down with a box of encouragement cards that a friend had given me, and this is the one I pulled out of the stack:
I had made an old choice, and I had chosen wrongly. I had chosen an old frenemy: fear. It has stood between me and the new many times before, and I have missed much through its uncertainty. And, though I believe in this next chapter for our family, I had chosen fear again and it had made itself uncomfortable in my belly.
I need to choose again.
I want to choose again.
I will choose again.
This time, I choose love.
When I say that, I do not necessarily mean that I am choosing love for others, though that is always a good (and a God) thing. What I mean by choosing love is that I am choosing God’s love for me. His love which means He has a plan for me, a plan for my good and to prosper my future. I do not want to choose fear and let it paralyze me again. I want to choose and believe in God’s love for me, no matter how nervous I may feel about the big changes coming our way. I want to continually choose God’s love for me and have faith that He will open the necessary doors and that all will work out.
One thing is for absolutely certain: God has never failed me yet. I choose to believe that He will not start now.
5 thoughts on “Choosing Again”
Wonderful! Our humaness does get in the way of our decision making at times.
You at the same age prayed that God would help Mom and to purchase this home which is near to the Church and school.
He answers and help.
Yes, it really can. I’m a practical person to my bones and faith can be difficult for the practical-minded at times, so I need to and will do the work of choosing and believing.
Melissa, I’m praying for you and Ben and Elizabeth. I believe that God has chosen your family to be the best family for Carmel Friends Meeting. I’m eagerly looking forward to meeting you in person. I’m praying for peace as you make these very important decisions. God loves you and has this covered. Rest In Peace, dear friend.
Many thanks, Millie! I am so blessed to have a new friend praying for me.
I continue to pray for you and your family, every day. I’m sure this is a very stressful time for you. I won’t say I know what you are experiencing because I don’t. I’ve been thinking of you ever since this awful thing happened.. I will continue to pray.
I’m looking forward to meeting you face to face!
I know tomorrow is a very important day for you! God bless you.