NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 30: The End is the Beginning


Here we are at the end of November and the end of NaBloPoMo 2014 (for me, at least). As I sit here on my couch, my newly-downloaded Infinite Rain app filling my ears with rain, thunder, and soft chimes, I find myself stymied as to what I can write to simultaneously sum up this month and move me on to the next. I have enjoyed the exercise and “muscle”-building of writing (or at least posting) something every day and it is a practice that I really want to keep up. I want writing to become a discipline and not just a hobby.

Wordsworth admonished, “Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart,” and I truly feel as though that is what I do when I write. Whether fiction or non, story or reflection, what I write is attached to my heart, breathed of it, part of it. The nonfiction pieces are infinitely scarier to me, though. Those are my personal thoughts, feelings, and opinions. That’s my soul right there, laid wide and bare for anyone – family, friends, stranger, comrades, critics – to read, enjoy, despise, pass judgement, give encouragement, or comment on.

Articles like “Discussing the Other” and “The Weight of Silence”, in their deep vulnerability and honesty, are terrifying to me. They terrify me because of the probability of their divergence from the opinions of others who mean a great deal to me, of striking a heart too hard, or touching a raw nerve, and, therefore, the possibility of their inciting the anger, hurt, or disappointment of those particular people. Even at the age of thirty-one, it is difficult to divest myself of the importance of others’ opinions. My husband once said, “You don’t worry about people not liking you. What worries you far more is someone being upset with you.” And it’s true. Believe me, it isn’t as bad as it used to be. Not that many years ago, I truly think I seriously would have chosen to have my head cut off before allowing others who had known me all my life to see me as less than. Less than perfect, less than what they had always assumed me to be, less than the example that I should be. In order words, I would have rather had the earth swallow me up than take a chance at being vulnerable and see looks of disappointment reflected back at me. I feared it all the time, guarded my vulnerabilities and shortcomings with a frightening vigilance, though, truthfully, probably not as closely as I thought I did. As an adult now, I cannot kid myself in the idea that someone didn’t know, that my mom or dad didn’t see that I wasn’t perfect. And you know what? They loved me anyway. The people who are steadfast in my life always have. They love me no matter my shortcomings, no matter my failings, no matter my vulnerable humanity. And so I write. I write as honestly as I may, speak as I need to, across this medium and others. If the results are negative, then I shall deal with them as they come and, hopefully, consider it practice in graceful reactions and healthy conflict resolution.

I write far better than I speak. In the time that it takes my words to travel from my brain to my fingers to either write or type them out, there seems to be a bit more of a profound filtration system than the path they take from my brain to my mouth. Of course, with writing, there is the benefit of editing and revising before we hit Send, Post, Tweet, Publish, etc. Writing enables me to take extra time before “speaking” to see how my words look before I “say” them and that is a benefit and a boon. I am trying to practice something similar in my verbal conversations, taking necessary moments before speaking from an unglued place. After all, HOW I say something can make or break what I have to say, regardless of how true or honest it might be.

Over the past four and a half years, this blog has become a place for those paper bullets of my brain, my thoughts and wonderings, my heart and soul to be poured out, parsed out, taken apart to be analyzed, and pieced together in a coherent whole. You, gentle reader, have been exceedingly patient with me as I have walked and continue to walk this path of bettering my art and, simultaneously, myself. So thank you for that. And I hope that, even just now and again, I can write something here that will help your heart, harmonize with your voice, and make happy your soul.

Thank you for sticking with me through this National Blog Posting Month, and here is more steps along the path and adventures along the way. Cheers!

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NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 29: In the Aftermath of “Interstellar”


I am trapped within other people’s stories, tangled up in others’ tales. I do not know how to set my mind, my soul free. But I want to be free. Sometimes. Free to view a story objectively, to judge each tale’s course on its merits, not on the way it makes my heart jump and drop, flip and tumble within me. But how? I would not give up my connection to stories, to their ability to stir my soul. It is what makes stories great, magical, miraculous.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it can be too much and leave my soul reeling.

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 28: The Doll Mage


Author’s Note: This character creation story was inspired in part by the novel Dollmage by Martine Leavitt and also in part to the late night idea sessions held with my husband for Changeling: The Lost. He wondered aloud how creepy it would be to have an Elemental Manikin who was also a doll-maker. I insisted that, no, she would have to be an Artist and this character’s story began to unravel itself in my brain. A girl who hated dolls who was fated to make them for all time for a cruel master. Not a bad beginning, hm?

= = =

Delilah had a serious Elektra complex. At least that’s what most psychotherapists would say. She adored her step-father with everything that she had (her own father had died in the war just before she was born). Her step-daddy was perfect. Everything he did was perfect. She loved being with her step-father.

Her mother…was a whole different story. People often said that Delilah looked like her mother but a sour look always came over the girl’s face when someone said that. She didn’t like being compared to her mother. Delilah’s mother was a quiet woman who loved dolls. She even made her own dolls and, for Delilah’s 12th birthday, she made a very special little lady. She even made the doll’s beautiful blond curls herself, painted that perfect bow mouth with her own two hands. She sewed the doll’s beautiful purple dress, fashioned her lace and satin hat. When she brought it out to Delilah at the height of the girl’s birthday party, it all fell apart. Delilah despised the doll that her mother had so painstakingly made, throwing it on the ground and insisting that she wanted a Barbie doll, the new line that had just come out recently.

“Not your stupid, old-fashioned doll!” Delilah threw it down again, and, this time, the doll’s delicate porcelain face shattered into pieces on the tile floor.

The party stopped dead, everyone going silent. Delilah just glared at her mother and, quickly, her father hurried her off to open gifts from the other guests. “Come on, Del, honey. Let’s open your other presents.”

Silently, Delilah’s mother gathered up the remains of the shattered doll, trying to hide her tears as she did. What none of them knew was that another set of eyes was watching them. In the shadows of the room, a Drudgeman watched everything. This particular one was called Grange, and he adored Delilah’s mother. He loved her creativity and had helped her with her dolls many a-time, adding charming little touches when she wasn’t looking. The little things that hardly anyone would notice but everyone could appreciate without even really knowing what all they were appreciating.

But this little girl. This little girl angered Grange. Sharon deserved a much better daughter than this, especially since he knew this girl had doll-talent. She despised the gift her mother had given her – both figuratively and literally – and he just would not let that stand.

Off to Arcadia he went, a plan percolating in his mind. He had promised one of the Fae to keep his eyes out for a child with maker-talent. And this child was perfect, he decided. So off Grange trot and the Fae was quite glad to hear of his discovery; they concocted a plan and contracted it.

It wasn’t too long. One night, in the darkness, Delilah disappeared, leaving something else in her place. Something sweet, loving, and just what Sharon deserved.

~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, Delilah was spirited off into Arcadia, where she kicked and screamed and hollered all the way in Grange’s grip. Used to humans, he didn’t have issue with it but the Fae that he delivered her to found it most annoying. He commanded her to be quiet. Of course, Delilah didn’t. She, in return, demanded that she be allowed to go home to her father. She wanted her daddy!

Finally, the Fae had had enough. Pulling out an ebonite needle and black widow thread, he held Delilah fast and savagely sewed her mouth shut. “Now you will listen, willful sprite. I have brought you here for a reason. You have maker-talent, doll-talent, and you will use it for me.”

A smile split his face then. A smile like the one she had seen in her storybooks, the scary ones. “You don’t understand. Of course you don’t.” He waved his hand, opening a window of sorts. In it, she could see her father and mother together in the living room…with her. Or at least what looked like her. The little girl was cradling a doll just like the one that Sharon had made for her birthday. She actually seemed to like the stupid thing and Sharon was all smiles. Dad was behind a newspaper, glancing at them every now and again with a little smile of his own.

No! That wasn’t her! It wasn’t real! She could see it for what it was. A doll of cobbled together yarn, Caymanite eyes, and a poison ivy smile. It wasn’t real!

“See? You have one. And you will make those…fetches…for others. You are not a toy. You are a tool, a worker, a means to an end. Nothing more. If you do not do what I say, I will kill you, and that thing will stay in your place forever. Do you understand?”

Delilah had to admit that she did not understand. But, honestly, that she didn’t understand really didn’t matter all that much. The Master-Maker took her into a workshop and plunked her down into a chair amidst sundry tools and materials. Delilah looked around helplessly, wringing her hands and her lips working against the painful stitches.

The Master-Maker smiled over her, grasping her hands. His skin singed her, leaving red, swollen marks on her hands. “Oh, you’ll know what to do. You are the daughter of a maker; you have the maker-talent, the doll-talent, in your hands.” The storybook smile split his lips again and, releasing her, he exited the room. Before he shut her away in the dark for no one knew how long, she barely caught sight of Grange the Drudgeman beyond the door. He gave her a triumphant, leering look, wiggling deformed fingers at her before the door slammed to.

~ ~ ~

Over the next forty-four years (at least it was that many in the human world), Delilah worked for the Master-Maker, creating fetches for those mortals that he stole away from the real world and into Arcadia. He was sickeningly right; looking at each helpless person that entered his hold, she knew exactly what to do. Each fetch bore her own special touch. A smear of honey for a smile here. A porcupine’s heart there. Kitten fur for hair on this one. A pug’s tail for a nose on that one.

Delilah began to age as well. But slowly, oh so slowly. To grow three inches took a decade. To age a year felt like a lifetime.

After not too long, the Master-Maker began to bring other Fae to see her handiwork and they marveled over her maker’s-talent. Soon, he began to contract her services out to other True Fae.

Delilah made hundreds, maybe thousands of fetches over the decades. It became rote for her. Her fingers moved and made of their own volition; she hardly had to look at what she was doing. The Master-Maker had long ago taken out her stitches, and she had never screamed again.

Before she had begun working, however, the Master-Maker had contracted someone else to “make her more efficient”. His name was Vincent.

He put corset lacings in her back to make her sit up straight and keep her from becoming bowed from sitting at the workbench. He took away the color in her eyes and made them dark, empty, cold, and capable of absorbing the very soul of person in order to make their fetch. Her skin paled away in the darkness. But Vincent, at the Master-Maker’s command, left the red burns on her hands from his touch to forever mark them. The stitch-scars stayed as well. While she was to become a fetch crafter, Vincent, she discovered, was a crafter of changelings. They worked together several times after that, but she never spoke to him. Nor he to her.

The Master-Maker only came to her when he had a new commission or a new catch for himself. He called her his “maker” or his “tinker”. So that’s what she now calls herself: “Tink Maker”.

~ ~ ~

One night, many years later, a fresh new mortal was brought into Tink’s workshop. She lifted her head from whatever she was working on and cleaned off her workbench silently. The Master-Maker dropped the mortal in front of Tink’s workbench and, as though distracted by something, he turned for the door. Tink raised her head; he’d never left her alone with one of them before.

“This one’s owner is being fractious about the cost. I shall return shortly.”

He slammed the door to behind him and Tink took her long, black, soulless look at the new mortal. Not really seeing them so much as feeling them, sensing them out, after forty-some years. Finally, silently, Tink turned towards her supply cabinet, pulling things out to make this one’s fetch.

“What are you doing?” came a trembling female voice. The mortal.

Tink didn’t reply, only brought the supplies to her bench and began to work silently.

“How can you work for them? How can you do this?” The scared voice turned accusatory. Silence fell again. The mortal tried another tack. “You…you used to be human, didn’t you? Didn’t you?”

Tink didn’t answer. She never answered. She just worked. It kept her safe. It kept her from getting her mouth sewn shut again.

“Please! Please, let me go! I want to go home. I have a husband, a daughter…please! I want to go home. I want to run in the woods with my daughter, walk on the beach with my husband. Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember what it was like? To see the sun, feel its warmth? It’s so cold here.”

Tink struggled to keep her eyes on her work but found them trailing up to look at the woman. She almost gasped. This time, she saw her. Actually saw her. And the woman looked like…like her mother. Same silky gold hair, same big blue eyes – now swimming with tears.

“Please! I have a little girl. A gorgeous little girl. She loves dolls; I have to make her a new one for her birthday.”

Mama! Tink looked down at her hands in horror at the half-finished fetch on her bench. Hay for hair, a porcelain heart, robin’s blood for the mouth. She’d been making her own mother’s fetch!

With a cry, Tink stood and dashed the half-made fetch to the floor! Tears began to stream from her eyes. Her own mother! Turning to the frightened woman, she approached her, hand out.

But the woman’s look turned frantic as she fully saw the black, empty eyes and the stitch-scarred face. “No! Stay away from me!” she cried, afraid that the creature was just about to tear her apart as well. Still Tink reached for her.

She had so much to tell her. That she was sorry, that she loved her, that she missed them both. All of a sudden, the door slammed open and the terrifying face of the Master-Maker stared down at her! His quick eyes took in her closeness to the mortal as well as the ruined fetch on the floor.

“What are you doing? Why aren’t you finished yet?” he demanded.

Tink shook her head. “You can’t have her! Take her back! I won’t…I won’t make her replacement!” Her voice felt heavy, gravelly after not being used for so long. “I won’t let you take my mother!”

Tears streamed down the woman’s face and the Master-Maker’s own split into that storybook villain smile. “Your mother? Oh, my dear little tinker, no. This isn’t your mother.” He yanked the woman to her feet. “This, my little maker, is your sister. She is the spitting image of your mother, though, isn’t she?”

Then his face fell, darkened, became terrifying once more. “Do you have any idea what your stupidity has cost me? Finish it or you will find yourself, and her, in most dire straits. Servants can be replaced, after all!” With that, he yanked the woman away, through the door, slamming it to before Tink could get near it.

“No! Let her go! Let her go! Please! Don’t hurt her! Sister! Sister!” Tink screamed until her voice was raw and banged on the door until her hands bled. But there was no answer but the woman’s screams. They were changing her, transforming her, just like they had done to Tink.

Suddenly, the slot in the door opened. “Hear that, my little tinker?” the Master-Maker asked, as a particularly painful scream rippled through the halls. “Every moment you dally, the worse it becomes for her. Her pain is on your plate. Enjoy it.” The slot slammed shut.

Tink didn’t have a choice. The longer she refused, the harder they would make sure the transformation was for her sister. Falling into silence again, she stooped to gather up the remains of the fetch, sat at the workbench again and, amidst streaming tears, she let her fingers work.

As soon as she put the finishing touches on the fetch, the door opened again and in swept the Master-Maker. He said not a word to Tink but grabbed up the fetch doll and exited the room once more.

Tink felt a great weight settle on her shoulders and she fell forward onto her workbench and sobbed and sobbed.

After that, Tink’s talent began to wane, become shoddy and lackluster. The Master-Maker was displeased, to say the least. His reputation was suffering because of her worsening work. He sewed her mouth shut again when she verbally refused, burned her hands again when she physically refused.

It went on and on. When her work was less than desired, the Master-Maker punished her for the fall in his reputation. Day after day Tink lay in the dark, unsure of whether or not she would survive her next punishment. He was becoming more and more savage when he punished her and she was becoming more and more reckless in her refusals. The stitches had stayed in this time, the burns making her hands ache.

Tink does not know to this day exactly how she escaped. All she can remember is that a mortal lost their life in the process as she fled the Master-Maker’s mansion. And she…she somehow tumbled out of the hedge, scarred, scratched, bleeding, mouth still stitched, into the wilds of Nowhere, Indiana.

Now her story starts all over again.

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 27: A Blessing for You, Dear Reader


My Thanksgiving table – 2014

Round this table ere we broke our bread,

To speak our thanks we bowed our heads.

Not from fear or guilt or guile,

But from acknowledgement of the worthwhile.

Jobs to feed and homes to warm,

Food to nourish and hands to hold through the storm.

We are grateful for each and every gift,

This day set aside to detail that list.

This is simple, not grand or unique,

Just a truth I need to speak.

Your presence, dear reader, is a dream for me.

My words, my heart laid here for you to see.

You reading and taking what I say to heart

Has meant the world to me from the very start.

Thank you for each moment, each comment, each like.

I appreciate the time that you give to this is corner of my life.

I wish you the best, every blessing, every gift.

May these days – holidays and non – be your needed lift.

 

Self-Esteem and Cherry Blossoms


This was written by a dear friend of mine and was something that I very much needed to read today. It was a great balm and reminder to my heart as I am on my own search for a healthy self-esteem. ^_^

Read more about Steven’s journey at http://mwmisoself.wordpress.com/.

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Photo credit: WindyLife@deviantART

I’m currently reading a book entitled “The Buddha and the Borderline” by Kiera Van Gelder. It tells the story of one woman’s struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms for years before having it properly diagnosed, and her use of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Zen Buddhism to recover. I’m five chapters in, but it’s a fascinating read. Van Gelder is almost bluntly transparent about her struggles, and it’s refreshing to hear someone else go through similar experiences to what I’ve been through in my life.

One of the main tenets of DBT is a concept called radical acceptance. It essentially means that you accept who and what you are, right now, in this very moment, strengths and weaknesses, flaws and all. Mindfulness is a big part of this concept, and the yoga is helping with that. But how do you accept who and what you are…

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NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 26: I Feel Like Sorry


(Cross posted from my Mommy Blog – “I Have a Forever“)

There are days – many days – when I feel like I should say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m constantly tired and only good for sitting or lying on the couch after Elizabeth goes to bed.

I’m sorry that I get distracted by my toddler when you’re talking (whoever you are, whether in person or on the phone). I really am listening to you and interested in what you have to say.

I’m sorry that portions of my house are messy. I can only do so much in a day and I just didn’t get to that one room.

I’m sorry for the repetitive meals. They are quick and easy and something all three of us will usually eat without a problem.

I’m sorry that I have to say ‘no’ to plans out more often than I can say ‘yes’. It’s not that I don’t want to go or do things with you. I really, really do.

I’m sorry for the times that I say to my daughter, “Get off me!” because I’m so inundated with the little personal space invader that my skin is starting to crawl.

I’m sorry for feeling like I should feel sorry. I’m sorry for not being the confident “I can do anything” woman that society (or at least part of it) wishes for all mothers to be. I’m sorry I’m not a Pinteresty SAHM with all kinds of crafts and cleaning hacks and design tips.

I am just a mother with a small house that never seems entirely clean, a rambunctious toddler that can turn on the sun with her smile, and a hard-working husband (teacher and pastor) whom I will never be able to thank enough for all he does.

A friend of mine shared this article this morning, I am entirely thankful for its honesty and truth. I agree with it wholeheartedly, though I am definitely one of those mothers that often feels guilty for wanting time to myself. But I’m working on it.

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 25: Encapsulated Mind and Soul


I have had the same Bible for at least the past twelve years and I am loath to be rid of it. Not because it is the most comprehensive or best reviewed translation. No. I will keep this Bible until it falls apart and maybe even then because it is full of memories and reminders for my heart.

For instance, Proverbs of my favorite book of the Bible. My high school teacher would go through it chapter by chapter, day by day, a few months a year, and I was always amazed and blessed by how she could pull meaningful and relevant interpretations from a centuries-old text. So I still continue the practice today in my personal devotion and prayer time. If a particular verse strikes me, I usually mark it with that day’s date and it’s rather amazing to go back and see how often verses come back into my life with a new relevance, a new poignancy. Sometimes I can match verses and dates with entries in my journals and it’s always eye-opening to review just what was going on in my life at that time and how those verses were relevant to my process and growth.

This Bible is full of note cards with specific prayer requests from college Bible study groups. A thin purple ribbon that a best friend once tied around my finger marks the beginning of the book of Philippians, right next to Paul’s joyous prayer for his friends, what I have now come to call my “Ribbon Prayer”. There is a sticker/picture of the Russian pastor and his family with whom I and three other young women worked ten summers ago. I remember that family and their enthusiastic smiles and kindness and exultation in life and in us. There are notes that I have written in any spare white space I can find in this Bible’s pages, thoughts on my life and on these words of God and their impact, as well as prayers, interpretations, and reminders.

Yes, I think I will hold on to this Bible for as long as I am able, if for no other reason than to be able to pass it on my daughter with my journals, so that may be able to see a glimpse into the process and growth of her mother’s life and faith.

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 24, Part 2: Always Winter…


…but never Christmas. As winter settles in, I cannot help but think of this beloved story.

This illustration was drawn and painted by my dear friend Courtney Pritchard as one commission of three for my daughter’s bedroom to fulfill the Chronicles of Narnia theme that I had chosen. I wish for my daughter to be as strong and brave and loving as Lucy, though she will be ever so humanly flawed. If she can have the strength and faith of this little girl, then I will be most pleased.

Lucy meeting Mr. Tumnus in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis. Illustration created by Courtney Pritchard. Find her art at: http://clpritchard.deviantart.com/

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 24: My ByGone Wardrobe


The Tudors, 15th-16th Century Elizabethan

The Borgias, 16th Century Italian

I have dreams of dresses, of pinafores, bustles, shifts, shirtwaists, kirtles, and overskirts. I muse of miles of sumptuous fabrics, satin cool as milk against my skin. I visualize gowns of delicate brocades and silken underclothes, the shimmery gossamer of my chemise drawn through the gaps of my sleeves like the intimation of butterfly wings beneath my skin. I fantasize of heavy damask frocks and furred sleeves trailing along my hips, thread-of-gold embroidery crowning the front of my corseted bodice, holding me in tight and blossoming. I have daydreams of panniers and petticoats and lace, flowered hats perched at impossible angles, and curls brushing my shoulders. I imagine silken snoods and delicate French hoods to cover my hair. I seek to imitate the fit-and-flare femininity or the sultry hourglass silhouettes of the Fifties. These dresses and gowns and the beauty inherent in each style of habiliment, are elevated to an absolute divine elegance in my imagination, in these dreams.

Mad Men, 1950s-60s

I would find myself happily-placed to be a dress-up doll for those whose skilled hands create these textile works of art. I have no such talent and so admire and exult in the artistic, wearable beauties that those who do create. I am here and willing, dear artists. Dress me!

NaBloPoMo 2014 Day 23: A Final Goodbye, With Love


In a few weeks, the tale of the Red Book will be revealed on the cinematic screen with the release of “The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies”. For the past fourteen years, I have held my love for Tolkien’s world and stories close to my heart. At first it was a small spark, barely a flicker, but it then was fed and grew into a roaring inferno that consumed and drove me in my love for it. In the years between the release of the Lord of the Rings films and that of the installments that made up The Hobbit cinematic series (the first of which made my daughter leap in utero), that love has burned down into a glowing ember that I still hold close in my heart.

As this last chapter of the Red Book comes forward, I feel that familiar sadness in my heart that comes with the realization that there will be no more anticipation, no more excitement at first viewings, no more swells of feeling, no more tears. Just the pleasantest of memories, the sweetest of heart-stories. Thank you, to Peter Jackson and every actor, extra, producer, writer, and person who had a hand in this amazing journey. You will never know just what you have meant to me and the joy that you have given my soul. Hannon le. Im mela le, mellon nin.