Heartwarming


A week or so ago, my in-laws stopped by to see their granddaughter, something that I am always glad for and welcome them to do. They adore her, it’s plain and obvious and I would never keep her from them. They came over and Grandma immediately took Elizabeth onto her lap and they proceeded to smile and coo and dote over her. It’s rather beautiful to watch. I watched them with our nephew when he was a baby but it’s different with Elizabeth. I’m not entirely sure how but it is slightly different. Still beautiful, though.

As we sat there and Grandpa dandled (look it up, I swear it’s not a dirty word) Elizabeth on his knee, they told me that they had been watching Dr. Phil the day before and the show was about in-laws. Because of something they had seen on that show, they wanted to make sure that I knew that they think I am a wonderful Mommy to Elizabeth and that I do a wonderful job taking care of her. I have to admit that I teared up a little bit and felt my heart swell. It’s amazing to know that someone thinks that you are doing a good job of being a Mommy, especially when you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing 90% of the time.

So, thank you, Mom and Dad. That meant more than I can ever say! ^_^

Merry and Pippin’s Ride to the Grey Havens (A Middle-Earth In-Between Story)


Rosie Gamgee smiled as she moved about the kitchen to the sound of little Elanor’s voice babbling happily. The maidenchild sat on the hardwood floor in a pool of sunlight that poured in from a bright window. Her little hands reached out as though to grasp and hold the golden light.

The child’s violet eyes sparkled and her pretty mouth was spread in a seemingly-permanent smile. She babbled quietly, talking to the air around her and then becoming quiet as though listening in return.

Suddenly, there came a hard rap on Bag End’s elegant green door! Rosie was rather confused, unused to any sound other than the jangle of the bell at the door-front. Nevertheless, she opened the door and found a tall, white-haired man standing there, a staff in his hand.

“Good-day, Mistress Rose. Do you remember me?” he asked.

“But of course I do. Come in, Mr. Gandalf! Come in!” Rosie opened the door wide, allowing him into the cozy hobbit-hole.

“Thank you very much.” Gandalf removed his old, blue hat and stepped inside, bending his gray head and allowing Rosie to take his hat and staff.

“Might I get you some tea, Mr. Gandalf?” she questioned politely, setting his things down gently and hurrying to the kitchen.

“Yes, some tea would be lovely.”

Just then, Rosie paused in the doorway of the long hall. “Oh. If you have come to visit Mr. Frodo, sir, I’m afraid that you’ve missed him by several days. He and my Sam headed off in the direction of Rivendell the beginning of this week; they’ve been gone four days now.”

Gandalf smiled, for, of course, he knew all of this already. “Yes, Mistress Rose, I know. I’ve only come to the Shire to collect Master Peregrin and Master Meriadoc, for Sam shall need them when he and Frodo reach their destination.” This he said as he seated himself at the table.

Rosie was alarmed and almost dropped the teakettle. “What do you mean Sam will need them? Are he and Mr. Frodo in some sort of danger, Mr. Gandalf?”

“No, no, they are not. It’s just that Samwise will need his friends’ company for the return journey, but more I will not say until I see Merry and Pippin.”

Rosie nodded, pouring some tea for the wizard. “Well, then, you’ve arrived just in time, for they normally cut around for tea at four o’clock and should be here any moment.”

Just then, a soft coo at the foot of Gandalf’s chair arrested his attention; there was Elanor, tugging on his cloak and looking up at him in the most interested manner, as though she recognized him.

“Oh, forgive me if she’s bothering you, Mr. Gandalf.” Rose promptly apologized and moved to collect the child, but he had already swept her up into his lap.

“No, it’s quite all right, Mistress Rose.” Gandalf answered smilingly and began to talk to Elanor, who babbled in return.

Rosie hurried about the kitchen, preparing the bread, jam, and cakes for that afternoon’s tea, but her sharp ears caught snippets of what seemed to be a conversation going on betwixt the wizard and her daughter.

“Yes, I know you will miss him but mayhaps you will see him again someday. Besides, your papa will have no end of stories to tell you for years to come. You’ve been a great help to Frodo, Elanor; more than you know.” Gandalf said quietly, to which Elanor just smiled.

Now, Rosie was very smart (it was one of the things Sam greatly admired about her) and it was then that she realized, “Mr. Frodo isn’t coming back.”

Suddenly, a loud jangle of the doorbell startled her and she flew to answer it. Standing on the porch were two rather tall hobbits; they were, of course, Merry and Pippin.

“Hello, Rosie!” Merry greeted her in his normal, friendly fashion. “Are we a bit late? Business about the Shire, you know.”

“Business indeed, Master Meriadoc!” A great voice boomed from within the kitchen, and they rushed in to find Gandalf seated there, sipping tea and holding a sleepy babe in the crook of his arm.

Amidst their amazement at the sight of him, Pippin managed, “Turned molly-coddler now, have we, Gandalf?”

“Most certainly not, Peregrin Took! No more than you have turned sensible,” the wizard replied, handing Elanor over to Rosie who took her to the nursery directly and left the tea to the gentlemen.

“Come now, young Masters. Have a seat and refresh yourselves, for I have come on a special errand to collect you.” Gandalf then took out his pipe whilst Pippin and Merry had their tea. Being now an esteemed knight of Gondor had changed nothing of Pippin’s appetite; he was still always hungry and so devoured his tea with relish.

“So where are we off to now, and why without Frodo and Sam?” Merry questioned when they were done.

“Because you are going to meet them, that’s why. Now collect your things and be quick about it. We have near a fortnight’s ride ahead and Frodo and Sam have already gained four days on us.” Gandalf then rose and bidding Rosie good-bye and thank-you, they took their leave of Bag End.

Gathering food, cloaks, and ponies from their homes, Merry and Pippin soon made ready to leave. Gandalf was again on Shadowfax and led the way out of the Shire.

“So where are we going exactly?” Pippin repeated the question, for Gandalf was notorious for not answering when asked pointedly.

“We are going to the Grey Havens.”

“The Grey Havens? But isn’t that where the Elves will leave Middle-earth forever?” Merry chimed in, remembering what Frodo had previously told them of Lord Elrond’s plans. “Why are we going there? And why is Frodo?”

Gandalf sighed as though very weary. “Frodo is wounded very badly. It will never heal, not fully. He needs rest, my friends, a long rest. That is why we are going to the Havens. You to keep Sam company and I to go with Frodo and the Elves into the West.”

Pippin almost halted his stalwart pony at this. “Do you mean to say that neither you nor Frodo are coming back?!”

Gandalf, however, kept on riding. “No, Master Peregrin, we are not. The time of the Ringbearers has come and gone. It is time for us to rest.”

At this, the sleeve of his cloak shifted, revealing upon his hand Nayra, one of the Three, the remaining Rings of Power. With the destruction of the One Ring, though, they had lost their strength; a sacrifice the Ringbearers had been willing to make.

Merry and Pippin now understood a bit better and, for many hours, rode on in silence as they pondered Gandalf’s words.

For the next few days, they rode hard so as to overtake Sam and Frodo. The strong little ponies seemed inspired by Shadowfax’s presence and ran with a vigor and speed before unknown to their masters. They traveled straight for two days and two nights at a hard run. Then they stopped for half a day to allow the animals to rest, and afterwards continued on.

Merry and Pippin continued to question Gandalf, quite dismayed that he was leaving them. Amidst this conversation, he told them something of great importance that forever remained with them.

“Samwise is going to need you two very much after we are gone. You stand by him as he has stood by Frodo, and be hobbits that I shall be even prouder to say that I have known and loved.”

This lifted their spirits slightly and they rode a bit lighter of heart the rest of the way. After several more days, they crested a hill and saw a beauteous sight: the Western Sea. Gandalf bid them wait at the Havens’ gate, near some trees, whilst he rode down to where a white ship and a host of Elves were waiting.

“It seems so strange,” Pippin said quietly.

“What seems strange, Pip?” Merry shifted in his saddle to look at his friend.

“That we’ll never see Frodo or Gandalf again.”

Merry nodded. “Yes, it does seem strange…and sad.”

Just then, they heard the clippety-clip of horses and ponies. Silently they watched from their shadowed place, with tears filling their eyes, as Lord Elrond, Lady Galadriel, Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam rode past toward the white ship.

Poetry: Fighting Guinevere


Give me a bow and let me shoot or a sword and let me fight.
Do not lock me away in a room for my own protection.
Let me battle those who attack me and not only let others fight for me.
Let me face my enemy and stand beneath his battering; let him know who he attacks.
Let me ply the skill you have so painstakingly taught me and let me follow the prayers you have prayed for me.
Let silk and steel be one, satin and fire, iron and velvet.
Let me bind my breast and heft my shield and blade.
Let me bear the marks of my King and Lord upon my skin.
Let my voice, that has only sung songs, now raise itself in a cry of courage.
If you love me, then let me go.
Let me do battle beside you, stand by your side.
Let me be not only the princess but the warrior as well.

Inspired in part by a fighting Guinevere in “King Arthur”

A World in Twilight


Disclaimer: All characters from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings belong exclusively to the Tolkien Estate. These characters are not mine. I simply play with the wonder that is them and the world they inhabit and the stories that could lie between the lines.

Fall was quiet, leaves of gold and amber making their silent courses to the carpet the ground. This was when he enjoyed the world, at its twilight. Gandalf’s own was approaching, this he knew. His task had been fulfilled.

Four years to the day when he had delivered the hobbits to Imladris from Minas Tirith. Four years since the little ones had fought for home and hearth. Four years since he had passed through his own fiery gauntlet. It might not seem like a long time to some, especially to he who had seen the ages of this world pass by like wisps of cloud. But it was enough.

Twilight was falling for him. And also for others.

Frodo was beginning to fade; he could feel it. It was like a breath of cold seeping into his heart. Gandalf would soon leave on that last ship from Middle-earth, and he knew that Frodo must leave with him.

‘It is time,’ the old Maia murmured as he walked beneath the fading trees of Lothlorien.

~

If spring is Lothlorien’s glory, then autumn is its phoenix burning.

‘Gandalf, you wished to speak with me?’ A bright figure paused at the doorway to the wizard’s chambers. Galadriel, Lady of Light.

‘Lady Galadriel, please.’ Gandalf held a hand out to her.

The Elf Queen smiled and took his arm in full confidence. ‘What is it, old friend? You know my time for granting requests grows short.’

‘As it does for all of us, my Lady. But this boon I must ask.’ Gandalf turned as they reached the moonlit terrace. ‘Frodo is failing. Failing and fading quickly.’

Galadriel’s bright eyes seemed to cloud a bit. ‘His wound is a danger to him; it feeds on the darkness the Ring left in his soul, the broken pieces of himself.’

Gandalf sighed, suddenly feeling very old. ‘He is so young to have borne so much.’

Galadriel placed a hand on his arm again, Nenya, the ring of Adamant, shimmering in the pale moonlight upon her finger. ‘We were all young once, Gandalf.’ A gentle smile graced her lips. ‘But you had a request.’

The Maia regarded her softly. ‘You already know of it, my Lady.’

Galadriel gave a quiet nod. ‘Frodo is not merely a Peleninath. He is also a Ring-Bearer, as is Bilbo. Therefore, I would think it fitting that they should join us; they have earned their rest.’

A smile, one she had known of old, crinkled around Gandalf’s ancient eyes.

‘Our twilight has come, Gandalf. Soon we will journey beyond the White Towers and into the West. The power of our Rings has ended and the time has come for the dominion of Men; may Aragorn and his line rule well.’ The Lady of Light then turned to Gandalf, echoing his words, ‘May they be blest.’

Gandalf, too, smiled. ‘A part of you will always live on in Middle-earth, my Lady. It lives on now in your granddaughter Arwen and will flourish in her children. The light of Lothlorien will never fully be gone as long as one descendent of her line lives.’

Galadriel gave a quiet smile at his words. She did love her granddaughter Arwen Undomiel wholly and completely and part of her heart was saddened at her remaining behind, having given up her Elvish radiance and immortality. But Galadriel also knew the powerful bonds of love.

Galadriel looked out over the gold-and-reddening Wood. ‘Yes, our twilight has come.’

Unpretty


Last Friday, I had my six-week postpartum check-up and, as I have been recouping from giving birth, I find that I have been dealing with a lot of my self-image issues all over again. Dealing with them while you’re pregnant and changing is very different, I find, than dealing with them after the fact.

I just spent nine plus months changing utterly, hormones and a growing human being undoing all the work that I’ve done to my body over the past few years. My pregnancy developed in such a way that I wasn’t able to keep up with my exercises during the latter part of it. So I’ve lost the muscle tone, strength, and, stamina that I used to have, thanks to bellydance, and now I find myself looking in the mirror and wondering if I’ll ever look (or, rather, feel)  like “myself” again. I’m back down to my pre-pregnancy weight already but I still feel…off, one might say. I know that what is “normal” is what is NOW, but self-image – at least mine – isn’t one of those things that naturally conforms to what life is right now.

A couple of weekends ago, I went shopping with my mother and we went to JCP. I was a little disappointed with the selection but I did luck out and find three dresses that I (a. really like and (b. make me feel like a million bucks. They also provide incentive for me to get back into dance, back into shape, now that I am greenlit for exercise by my doctor.

The song below is one that strikes a chord with me because I have always thought of myself as, while not necessarily ugly, at least unpretty. I usually sing this song with one of my best and dearest friends who understands my feelings better than most. Lately, it has been resurfacing in my mind as I look at myself in the mirror. It also reminds me that I did find a place and a point in my life where I thought of myself as beautiful. I want to get back there.

I know that it, perhaps, has little to do with how I look but I also know that it’s my own journey through and to my own self-image, a healthy one.

Arrow-pierced Diaries


The Vampire Diaries

So…don’t burn me…but I’ve started watching “The Vampire Diaries”. More specifically, I watched the first episode of Season 1 and then skipped to the thirteenth (“Daddy Issues”) and fourteenth (“Cry Wolf”) episodes of Season 2. And here’s the reason: Stephen Amell of “Arrow” fame guest-starred in those two episodes. While he makes a HOT vigilante on “Arrow”, he also made a pretty yummy, though cruel, werewolf in “Vampire Diaries”. Granted it was only for two episodes and then he had his heart ripped out by a vampire but, still, I enjoyed it. He had enough of a part to make it worth my while to sit for two episodes and watch. And since then…I’ve just let it play. I’m mostly following the Klaus/Sun-and-Moon curse plot, though I’ve been paying more attention to my daughter, truthfully. But it’s worth the designation of good background noise.

When I was a teenager, I definitely went through my vampire phase. I read Interview with a Vampire, fantasized over handsome, mysterious, tortured souls, and watched “Forever Knight” and “Highlander: The Series” (Immortals are just as good as vampires, if not better) with rapt attention and fervor. Like any teenage girl, I found the idea alluring, even romantic. Star-crossed lovers, forbidden intimacy, blah blah blah. I got over it, of course. While I still love the gothic stories (hey, I focused on Gothic Literature for my Masters, for pity’s sake), I like to think I’m a little more mature now. ^_~ When my students first introduced me to the idea of Twilight, I about had an aneurysm at the words, “He’s a vampire but he’s a vegetarian vampire.” Wait, WHAT NOW?

“And he sparkles in the sunlight.”

WHAT?!

Lord, help me!

Needless to say, I have never read the books nor will I ever. “The Vampire Diaries” is the closest I’ll ever get to that kind of vampire fluff, thank you very much. Yes, I’m a snob, what of it?

And, of course, the thing I love the most is that the path to “The Vampire Diaries” chorused through one of my other levels of geekery: comics. The only reason I watched it is because I couldn’t get enough of Oliver Queen. LOL Fun times all around!

Arrow

Hold On


From a Mother to her Daughter:

“Home” by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

= = = =

1/14/13 – And because I took it today and found it gorgeous, here’s a pic of baby girl and Daddy. hold on to daddy

Walking Through Storms


Pressing forward through the storm

This morning has been a very interesting one spiritually. As I’m sitting here listening to my Nichole Nordeman station on Pandora and reading in the book of Proverbs, I’ve noticed that a good number of the songs that come up refer to going through storms and hard times and looking to God through it all.

 

When it’s dark and it’s cold 
And I can’t feel my soul
You are so good
When the world is gone gray 
And the rain’s here to stay
You are still good (Nichole Nordeman “You Are Good”)

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise (Laura Story “Blessings”)

Rather apropos, as there are indeed some storms in mine and my husband’s lives right now and I’m not just referring to my pregnancy. In all things, I’ve been very blessed with my daughter’s pregnancy thus far. Sure, I’m on bed rest right now but she is just fine, by all reports, and I couldn’t ask for more than that. I have some time to rest and my stress level has gone way down and for that I can only be thankful.

What is a storm for me is not being able to help when someone I love is suffering or going through a storm of their own. And when I say ‘help’, I mean actually do something to actually, physically affect the situation to make it better. I know that encouragement, understanding, love, and the like all help really but I am the type of person who wants to fix things, make them better, and, when I cannot, that makes me very sad. I know that my husband is going through some very, very difficult storms right now and it’s all I can do to hold onto him and let him know I’m there, the snow and rain feel so thick and pelt so hard that it hurts beyond words. I can’t see a way out of the storm but I can practically see his spirit and soul being trodden over and broken and I desperately want to stop it, to do something that will make it stop.

But I am not the one with the power over the storm. I am not the one who can command it to be still, or, if not, bring us through it still in tact, though perhaps not minus a few cuts and bruises. I am not the one who can give my darling husband the strength to keep walking, keep trudging, keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if he doesn’t know where it will lead. All I can do is hold tightly,  to his hand, give him all the warmth and love I can, and walk with him, trusting God to bring us through and show us the next step.

It’s all I can do. But if little penguins can make it through an antarctic blizzard and keep trudging forward, then surely God can help two young people hold onto each other and make it through one of life’s blizzard to whatever lies on the other side.

God,

I pray Your grace, strength, peace, and protection be over my husband today and every day, but especially in these moments amidst the storm. May he heart Your voice, feel Your touch, and know that he is not alone, not walking alone, even though things are very hard. Speak peace and reassurance to his heart today and may he feel You lifting the weight from his shoulders, even if just for a little while, Lord.

Thank You!

Amen

What on earth is “cupcake writing”?


So I got out of bed around 5am, not that uncommon right now as I’m in my 3rd trimester and getting awfully close to having this baby. Having migrated to the couch and watched TV and surfed the internet for a while, I eventually fell asleep again, only to dream. In this dream, one of my many cousins and I were in the house that I grew up in, getting ready for school (so I assume we were teenagers). As I came into my room from the bathroom, I saw her standing at my night table with my journal in her hands, reading as though it were just any book on the shelf.

I asked her what the hell she thought she was doing and snatched it out of her hands. She just sort of shrugged.

“You usually would have fought me for that,” she said, “Your writing, though! What’s wrong with you? It’s all cupcake writing.”

I didn’t know exactly what cupcake writing meant but I could feel the implications: trite, stupid, inconsequential, and it hurt. “Shut up and get out!”

Again, she just shrugged as though my privacy and my feelings really didn’t matter and strolled out of my room, grabbing her bag to head off to school.

= = = =

When I woke up, I felt really insulted. I know that my cousin didn’t actually say that but, still, it hurt. I take pride in my writing and enjoy pouring my thoughts on paper, even when it’s hard. Journaling helps to unburden me, helps me work things out in my mind to put in practice in my life. Blogging helps me share my writing in the hopes that it might interest and help someone else. Forgive me for indulging in a little bit of childishness but it’s not fair that, even if it is just in a dream, someone finds my personal thoughts and feelings just “cupcake writing”.

Believe you me, subconscious, my writing is anything but trite. Without it, you often don’t get a say, so…kindly shut up.