July 26, 2010 – Refreshing Day


Today has been, quite possibly, the most gorgeous day of the summer. The high today was only 80 degrees with a bright blue sky, clouds smattered everywhere, bright sunshine. It’s that sort of day that just infuses your with life and mellows you out at the same time. Ben and I had a late brunch with Ben’s parents, ran to the little local donut/coffee shop, Ben took some pictures of me by the courthouse and war memorial in Winchester, and we thoroughly enjoyed the drive to and from home. Just a gorgeous day!

I love days like this, when I can throw open the windows, turn on the fan, let the air and sunshine into my home, let that light and comfort flow through my house like it flows through my system. It’s quite uplifting and encouraging after a rough night. I think I might go lie out in our swing in the backyard in a while.

I must say that today has done me a world of good.

Shadows in Louisa’s Garret: Louisa May Alcott’s Thrillers and Her Call for Readerly Reform


Author’s Note: This is part of my filed Master’s of Literature Thesis, submitted to Ball State University in April of 2006.

In the 1860s, a genre of literature slunk into the flickering lamplight of Victorian England and the Civil War-torn United States, veiled like Carmilla herself.  Taboo, frightening, and yet alluring at the same time. Tales of murder, drug abuse, violence, greed, secrets, conspiracy—all the things that polite society would sweep under the rug and forget existed. This genre was sensation literature. The tales of Gothic fiction unfolded against the backdrop of old castles, abbeys, and manor halls; however, sensation literature took these elements and crossed a boundary, transferring them into even more dangerous territory: that of the domestic circle, the home. Within sensation fiction, the dangers (and sometimes the pleasures) of the Gothic lived on and flourished, but they were much closer to home than one expected…or was perhaps comfortable with. Sensation literature thrived on mystery, danger, and secrets and their terror within the domestic realm.[1] And the thrillers of Louisa May Alcott were certainly composed in this vein. Her stories were written to titillate, shock, surprise, and even appall the populace with their prolific use of revenge plots, subterfuge, poisons, murder, blackmail, etc. These stories, mostly published anonymously, were never associated with the name of Louisa May Alcott as she was known as the “Children’s Friend” and her great fame was acquired through the publishing of Little Women. Therefore, these thrillers were lost to history, known to have existed only by their authoress and those gentlemen who published them, now all long dead. First re-discovered and reported by Dr. Leona Rostenburg in 1943 and then edited and published by Madeline Stern and Daniel Shealy in the 1975 volume Behind a Mask, Alcott’s ‘blood-and-thunder’ stories can be considered one of the long lost treasures of nineteenth-century literature. Their rediscovery and subsequent publishing elevated Alcott from the position of exclusively an author of juvenile fiction and poetry to that of an opinionated, educated contributor to the sensational fiction of the age. Alcott’s fiction portrays her concern over an unequal society where the rights of men and women were woefully skewed, the laws bending great favor to men and often leaving women with no recourse. As such, in her novella Behind a Mask and short story “Betrayed by a Buckle,” Alcott undertook to portray the woman that she envisioned arising out of this inequality. These women are what Jeffrey Jerome Cohen calls “culturally created monsters.” They are dangerous but only because they are the product of the society that has attempted to repress and deny them.

Alcott’s thriller stories deal with issues that raised anxieties regarding respectable femininity and the domestic, as well as issues pertaining to a woman’s lack of legal identity and social rights. The women of sensation fiction are often strong-minded, strong-willed, intelligent, knowledgeable about their sexuality, and in possession of the will and skill to use it to their advantage. These qualities flew in the face of the Victorian ideal of a woman and in the face of those characteristics (reservation, quiet, submissiveness) valued by strict nineteenth-century society. Dr. Lynn Abrams discusses the Victorian woman in her online article “Ideals of Womanhood in Victorian Britain.” Quiet, reserved, sweet, the ideal Victorian woman was subservient, accepting of her place within society. Dr. Adams cites Mrs. Frances Goodby as what the ideal Victorian woman must have resembled:

Mrs. Goodby exemplified the good and virtuous woman whose life revolved around the domestic sphere of the home and family. She was pious, respectable and busy; no life of leisure for her. Her diligence and evident constant devotion to her husband, as well as to her God, identifies Frances Goodby as an example to other women. She accepted her place in the sexual hierarchy; her role was that of helpmeet and domestic manager. (Adams, emphasis mine)

The ideal Victorian woman was regarded as the ruler of the household. She was the moral force behind her husband’s strength. She was to be the keeper of the home, demure, gentle, and selfless. Men stood in position to acquire money and property, to advance themselves and their material condition. Women, conversely, were to be protected from the vice of the world and to exert their calm, gentle nature upon men and correct their missteps. They were to make home a haven for their husbands, be contented and free of sensual desire and temptation, and make sunshine and happiness for others at the expense of their own bliss.[2] Sarah Strickney Ellis, in her Women of England, asserts that

it is necessary for her to lay aside all her natural caprice, her love of self-indulgence, her vanity, her indolence—in short, her very self—and assuming a new nature, which nothing less than watchfulness and prayer can enable her constantly to maintain, to spend her mental and moral capabilities in devising means for promoting the happiness of others, while her own derives a remote and secondary existence from theirs. (45)

Sensation fiction allowed for central female characters to transgress against these social and aesthetic limits and revel in excess—in beauty, in sexuality, in intelligence, in revenge, in subterfuge. According to Lyn Pykett, “even when its final inclination was to uphold conventional morality, the sensation novel also probed and questioned Victorian moral and social orthodoxies (Sensation Novel, 13).” However, the sensational transgression in these stories was often utilized as a means of strengthening conventional morality by pointing out the potential for great danger within the excessive female body. In the nineteenth century, for the restricted and reserved ‘angel in the house’, it has been postulated that stories such as these (just like the romance novels of today) provided a ‘release valve’ of sorts, allowing these women to experience the excesses and overflow of emotion, sexuality, etc., within a controlled situation. Thus, these sensation stories can be seen as freeing the female characters within these narratives—and in a measure, vicariously, their readers—from their restraints. Having experienced these excesses within the confines of a novella or full-length novel (such as Mary Elizabeth Braddon’s Lady Audley’s Secret), a Victorian woman could then safely return to her duties as the proverbial Sally Homemaker.[3] After this safe experience, she could pay her full attention to loving and caring for her husband and her home as well as those housed beneath her roof as her only concern. Therefore, no more of her time would be wasted worrying about those excesses of emotion or sexuality.

However, a somewhat different theory has been proposed in reference to Alcott’s work in her thrillers; this theory focuses not on a woman being able to experience sensation safely but is concerned with sensation itself representing an unsafe experience. In her article “Louisa May Alcott’s (Con)Temporary Fiction”, Cheri Ross puts forward that Alcott strays from the traditional path of the sensation story by not only providing a scandalous story but also layering, beneath it, her ‘real’ story. However, Alcott’s technique does not fully deviate from the traditional; a great deal of sensation fiction cries out vehemently against patriarchal domination and sexual inequality. Alcott’s stories do not turn aside from but, instead, fully embrace this cry for social and gender reform. Ross’s argument declares that Alcott carved two messages into her thrillers: one for the powerless and one for those in power. For the powerless: “Women are not bound by the rules of a society that oppresses them simply because they were born female”; and for those who held the power: “Society as it is can breed dangerous women, such as those in her thrillers who will stop at nothing to get what they want” (912). Tucked in beneath the formula of sensation fiction, Alcott’s cries for gender equality were held in the hands of men and women alike as they read the newspapers and magazines that published her thrillers. My question then is this: were Alcott’s thrillers participating in sensation literature as a release valve or, according to Cheri Ross, were they ‘masking’ a message—a social critique—against and warning of the dangers of an unequal society? I believe that Ross’s theory is correct. She focuses on the “actions of the protagonist” as she battles against an androcentric society, but I will focus on specific instances that push these women to become dangerous and render them monstrous. I view these characters as representing Cohen’s culturally-created monster. In his article “Monster Culture (Seven Theses)”, the existence of the monster and its purpose is outlined; this monster is a culturally-created entity, not autonomous in and of itself. Through his seven theses, Cohen discusses the monstrous body as composed of the repressed feelings, ideas, or fears of the society in which it rises. This monster defies easy categorization because of its culturally-repressed composition; it stretches the boundaries of possibility and propriety as well as that of desire. Because of its repression-basis, the monster is feared but, simultaneously, desired. “Escapist delight gives way to horror only when the monster threatens to…destroy or deconstruct…category and culture (Cohen 17).” Alcott’s readerly reform is embodied in her female characters, in their cunning, in their alluring charm, and in their absolute danger. They are the children that she fears becoming reality, the “monster at the threshold of becoming” (20).

In order to discuss Alcott’s call for readerly reform, I will first discuss several specific ideas of sensation fiction, as well as Alcott’s appropriation of those ideas to achieve her ends: its encouragement of vicarious emotional experience, warning against an unequal society, and its bringing terror across the safe border into the home. Sensation fiction encourages the reader to mimic a highly physical and emotionally responsive state; the characters flush, pale, faint, rage, etc. Thus, the sensation novel encourages its reader to participate, if only vicariously, in the emotional heights and depths of its characters (Droison). Although sensation fiction encourages its readers to participate in feeling, I do not believe that it encourages participation in the specific actions depicted. With that in mind, I intend to extend and redefine Ross’s theory of Alcott’s social critique in opposition to the sensation tradition. In addition to her ‘real’ message, Alcott was not only plying the sensational formula to achieve a different purpose but also a different response to her thriller stories. Rather than readerly pleasure through her sensation fiction as release valve and vicarious participation, Alcott was striving for readerly and social reform through the message that her thrillers were conveying. Through their sensation and their ability to shock society with their candidness about the abilities and will of the female character involved and the sympathetic nature present in her situation, these stories would alert society to needed change. Just as the reader should vicariously experience the physical and emotional states of the characters, he or she should also be able to experience the indignation of Alcott’s characters at the injustices they have endured.


[1] See Botting “Gothic Excess and Transgression”; Punter and Byron “Victorian Gothic”

[2]Further reading, see “Ideals of womanhood in Victorian Britain” by Dr. Lynn Abrams; “1848” by Antony H. Harrison

[3] This idea of prevalent in Janice A. Radway’s study of the popularity of romance novels amongst women in Reading the Romance: Women, Patriarchy, and Popular Literature. See also Botting (“Gothic Excess and Transgression”) and Hogle (“The Gothic in Western Culture”).

Morning Body – July 22, 2010


Some people talk of morning breath, bed head, morning hair, even…yeah, that. I like to think of myself having “morning body”. I think my body looks its best in the morning, right after I wake up, before the day and its cares have had a chance to stress and ravage it. My eyes don’t look tired or my mouth pinched in thought, the curve in my waist is gentle, feeding into the slope of my back, the “S” of my form from shoulder to thigh. I spent a good ten minutes this morning just looking at myself in the mirror, wondering over my lifetime and the changes my body has gone through.

When I was a child, I was a little stick, skin-and-bones. People used to comment and, yes, tease me about how skinny and small I was. When I grew into a teenager and my body began filling out, I remember not a great deal aside from that it was rather painful. I had a horrible time with my skin as well, though I got over it, even though it continued for a long while.

When I entered college at 17, I still felt very much like a child. I had not dated, the only “date” I had been on was a Valentine’s Day banquet with someone I had known since kindergarten and did not think of any deeper than a friend. No one had ever told me, outside of my family and perhaps a girlfriend or two, that I was lovely. I felt little, young.  Of course, I gained weight my freshman year, which my mother failed to inform me of, since it is sometimes hard to judge for one’s self. It wasn’t until I saw the pictures of my summer that I realized, which, honestly, made me feel badly. Over the years, my weight fluctuated, not hugely but a bit.

In 2004-2005, during my first year of graduate school, the stress of the move and my new course of study stressed me to the point that I lost weight down to 97 lbs. I hadn’t been that skinny since….I don’t know when. But I wasn’t happy with it because I knew that something must be wrong. I started gaining weight again after I saw my doctor and got things figured out.

In 2007, I began belly dancing in order to get myself in shape and be active in some way that didn’t involve conventional exercise. Today, I have no idea how much I weigh and that is fine with me. I’ve worked hard on my conditioning and dance drills, yoga, and exercise this year (though I can always do more). As a result, I quite like the way my body looks. I like it! 🙂

I remember admiring my mother in her A-line dresses and running my little hands over the graceful curve of her waist from her ribcage down to her hips. Such a gorgeous hourglass figure. I remember saying to her, “I want to look like this.” And now I do. Perhaps that is part of why I like the way I look now. It reminds me of my mother at the height of her beauty. I still very much find my mother beautiful with her quirky smile and close-lipped laugh, her abundant dark hair, some of it a beautiful silvery grey now. I remember when she used to let it down and let me play with it; I’d hold its weight in my hands and marvel at it. I love my mother and always wanted to look like her.

I like my body the most in the morning, I like to be able to look at myself and admit that I do in fact like the way I look. It has been a long, long time in coming for me to say that, as most of you know. It’s a nice feeling, though.

Now that I’ve indulged in a little vanity, I shall go and kiss my husband happy anniversary and thank him for the lovely flowers.

5 Years – July 18, 2010


I just thought of something. I joined the Camarilla Club 5 years this month. 5 years…I know that may not seem like a great deal of time to some but I haven’t been a part of something for so long since band and choir in school.

5 years in the Cam. And it’s been quite a ride thus far. I remember my first character in the Cam – a delicate little Victorian viper of a Mekhet, as crazy as the day is long and obsessed with dolls. Dear little Dovasary. I loved her. I loved dressing for her. I loved writing for her. I loved researching for her. I loved playing her. Not to say that she wasn’t difficult at times (oh, she was!) but her difficulties made her even more fun. I enjoyed the roundabouts of the Invictus, the titles, the guilds, the lieges. I also got my first taste of being a harpy and fell in love with it. I performed all the offices of a high-ranking Victorian woman and consort to a vampiric Prince – remembering what her lord and master had forgotten, maintaining their household and ghouls, managing missives and announcements, forging alliances, recording boons, and drawing up treaties. Even after Villain was killed, Dovasary kept on. She made mistakes, allowing a new one to master her and make her a prisoner in her own home lest she betray her family again. She loved so many – the ghouls that became as her children (even the one she hated), the one who became her lover-comfort, the man who had served her unquestioningly and unrequitedly for decades – yet she understood only one person and longed for him.

When we finally retired the characters, I decided that it was time for Dove’s cracked mind to join Villain and she shattered into a dream. It was a beautiful, heart-wrenching thing, one of my favorite pieces to write. I’ll show you if you like.

In my 5 years, I have taken time off, everyone needs time to detox. A few months to step back, re-evaluate, and decide what I want to do. We came back and Esther Julian (now Montesori) – decadent Daeva that she is – sprang from my mind. The thing that makes Esther near and dear to me is that she is me. Esther is that part of me that terrified me as a young woman because I didn’t know how to deal with her. She was the part of me that I was afraid I couldn’t control and would explode, destroying everything. For the longest, longest time, I feared that dark part of myself more than anything. But I’m not afraid of her anymore. She has her place and has become rather fun. She began as a shallow, throw-away character but has evolved and grown into something I could have never imagined. She has her own weaknesses and fears, things that I never thought that side of me could have, and I love discovering more and more as I play the character. Now, there are times when I have to ‘sit her down’ and have a chat if she’s getting uppity, but, for the most part, I haven’t had this much fun with a character since Dovasary and it took several tries before I found Esther.

All in all, I love being in the Camarilla. In the past few years, I have become part of the domain support staff, helping Ben in his position as the Middlewhere Domain Coordinator. I also write the bimonthly newsletter for the domain, take care of the sites, and make sure that paperwork is in order as best I can. There are times when things are rough and parts that I don’t like but I work through them, step back and take a breather, rant and rave to my hubby, or whatever is required to help me work through it. I also have some wonderful friends and fellow members who help me through when I need it.

This past weekend, I attended my first regional event: GLaRE 2010. I have only ever attended local Games of the Month and one ICC in 2008. But I never attended those events with the express, conscious purpose and goal of not only reconnecting with old friends but also of meeting and rp’ing with new people, making new connections both in-character and out-of-character.

I like to make friends. It’s fun to meet new people, laugh with them, get to know them. I find that I’m very enthusiastic about new friends. I now have to admit that I turn in a giggly, smiling bundle of cute when I make new friends. Ben is amused by me, I know, but it’s fun. He’s pretty good at making friends, too. His way involves initial conversations and if he hits on something that’s interesting to both parties, off he goes and the conversation never ends. I like talking and laughing with folks and I guess I don’t mind being a bundle of cute. Eventually, folks find my deeper sides and often seem pleasantly surprised. At least I hope they are. But I have made some of my best friends recently through gaming and the Camarilla, and all I can do is thank you.

Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for interacting with me. Thank you for the compliments. Thank you for helping me to found and build up a shaky self-esteem over the years. Thank you for listening when I need an ear. Thank you for kicking my butt when I need it. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for the guidance. Thank you for answering my myriad of questions.

Thank you, most of all, for getting to know me.

My Skin – July 7, 2010


I love my skin. There are so many different shades and tones in it, but there’s also something unique about it that I cannot quiet explain. I love the color of it and how I’m pretty much a perfect in-between of my parents. I love the texture of it most days. During the winter, of course, it’s the bane of my existence, but that’s just because it needs a little extra care.

I am fascinated by my skin and how it changes colors. How light it gets during the winter when the sun hides for weeks and I’m all covered up against the cold. How my face and neck darken as I turn upwards to greet the spring sunshine. I should probably put on my swimsuit and lie out for a bit on these bright sunny days, try to even up my color a bit. Tanning costs but sunshine and fresh air are free.

Naturally, there are things that I do not like about my skin but they are things that can barely be fixed, if at all, because they are genetic. For the most part, though, I love my skin. It’s taken me 20+ years to get to this point. I remember distinctly telling a friend in middle school that I wished I were white with blonde hair and blue eyes because “that’s what boys like”. I bought into the mass-marketed, Barbie-esque bias just like everyone else. I truly thought I wasn’t good enough. If I had participated in the Clark Doll Experiment, I would definitely have chosen the light-skinned doll as the better doll. I never had dark-skinned Barbies or dolls; I don’t remember owning a single one. They were always so plain; you rarely ever saw them in the specialty versions like Birthday Barbie or Princess Barbie. They were always just the plain old cookie-cutter Barbie.

I hated my skin in middle school and junior high. Acne, growing pains, stretch marks. Meh! Hated it all. Hated myself, what’s more. Had to be perfect, had to be good, had to be what everyone expected. If not, my life would crumble down around my ears and I would be alone. But that’s an old vent. I remember feeling rather mousy when I went to college, since I was a year younger than most freshmen, the frat boys that I and some other froshes ended up doing community work with called me a little pup, which helped me decide to turn the hose on them. I remember beginning to feel comfortable with myself towards the end of college but never really feeling pretty or thinking that I could be pleasant to look at. I was partially comfortable with myself, yes, but a huge part of me still wanted to tear my skin away and start all over.

Ten years later (wow!), through a lot of soul-searching, self-examination, some therapy, and ripping down to what is just me and no one else, along with the love of family, spouse, and dear friends, I have begun to like myself and how I look. I’m not perfect, never will be, but I can be happy with myself. I love being in my skin. I know that I’m never going to be a supermodel or pin-up girl but that’s OK. I think I do pretty well right now.

The Clark Doll Experiment: http://abagond.wordpress.com/2009/05/29/the-clark-doll-experiment/

A Nonsuch Poet – July 6, 2010


I’m not a poet, never really have been. I have written a handful of poems in my lifetime, usually when I’m very emotional. They are extremely rough as far as meter and form, really just emotions poured out on paper. They give voice to my anger, my pain, my hope, my desire.

Ben is the poet. He is the one in love with meter, rhyme, form, all the bits and pieces of poetry. He is skilled and always willing to challenge himself to new meter and form, and I admired him for that.

I am much more comfortable writing descriptions of others, creative nonfiction, I suppose. I love writing fiction, yes, but I think I’ve been more inclined to the creative nonfiction lately, no? In any case, here are a few of my poems.

Farewell to the Sea

By Melissa Gibson

5/29/06 – Memorial Day – To my Aunt and Grandfather

When you left, I sang for you.

I sang to the sea.

I couldn’t touch you,

Couldn’t hug you to say farewell.

So I said it to the sea.

My dirge was not my own

But it was intended for you.

Alone. Apart. I sang.

Others could not understand.

But I did not do it for them.

I turned to the sea, always alive.

And I sang to it.

Because I never got to say goodbye.

Composed on Friday, Oct. 4, 2002

I saw the stars tonight.
I know others have said it
With words more beautiful than mine.
But, in it, I find something precious,
Something beautiful, something divine.
I know this world isn’t some
Miscellaneous ball in space.
I know that Someone is watching,
Loving me in that most beautiful place.
When all the world is busily humming,
With no time for me.
I know I can look up at the sky,
And find comfort in what I see.
I saw the stars tonight.

Empty Holes

Fall 2004

I wish there was a hole where my heart is.
A hole, big and empty.
Empty holes don’t hurt.
They don’t grow sad and despair.
Empty holes don’t make mistakes.
They don’t hurt others.
They just sit there, open to receive.
Whether someone stumbles in
Or jumps in.
Either way, it’s there.
Empty holes can’t feel the exquisiteness of joy,
Only to have it infringed upon and destroyed.
Empty holes can’t have strings broken, torn away.
Empty holes can’t lash out,
Even without meaning to.
In short,
Empty holes don’t feel.

But I do.

Sleeping in Vain

Spring 2004

I waited for Sleep,
But Sleep never came.
No fading from reality,
No black and red train
To bear me away
To parts unknown.
To the place where Dreams stay,
Where they play under skies
Of parchment and in seas of rainbow.
I would be a Visitor,
Curiosity my guise.
I’d take my little ragdoll,
The one Mom gave me,
With the red dress and
Sewn-on hat. She
Is my one link back
To a world steeped
Hour upon hour in nighttime black.
But Sleep never came.

Musings of a Warrior

Jan, 13, 2005

Give me a bow and let me shoot or a sword and let me fight.
Do not lock me away in a room for my own protection.
Let me battle those who attack me and not only let others fight for me.
Let me face my enemy and stand beneath his battering; let him know who he attacks.
Let me ply the skill you have so painstakingly taught me and let me follow the prayers you have prayed for me.
Let silk and steel be one, satin and fire, iron and velvet.
Let me bind my breast and heft my shield and blade.
Let me bear the marks of my King and Lord upon my skin.
Let my voice that has only sung songs, now raise itself in a cry of courage.
If you love me, then let me go.
Let me do battle beside you, stand by your side.
Let me be not only the princess but the warrior as well.

Gamer Dreams – July 3, 2010


Author’s Note: This is a dream that I had about my LARP character and one of her friends.

For several minutes, Esther wandered the edges of the gathering, as though deciding the right time to dive in. The grand event was just beginning and not many people had arrived yet, so she observed the fringes, noting who had already arrived that she recognized. Soon, she drifted from the room and into the halls to explore the beautiful manor that served as their setting for the evening. Suddenly, she felt a jolt run up her spine and someone grabbed her arm brutally, whipping her around!

“I should have known,” Porter snarled into her face. Turning, he dragged Esther forcefully down the hall before she could utter a word. Finding a spare room unlocked, he threw the door open and tossed her inside the room, shoving her against the wall roughly.

To her shame, Esther found herself terrified and shaking to be alone in a room with this man, this lunatic. Here, there were no witnesses.

Porter regarded the woman trying to compose herself with a cold eye. “You have some brazen nerve showing your face here amongst proper Kindred,” he growled lowly, “But then we know you’re brazen, don’t we?”

Esther tried to stand as tall as she had that night but something in his presence unnerved her, unexplainably so, and made it impossible to pull herself together. She felt utter fear, revulsion, and disgust; they all roiled together in her form, tearing her foundation apart.

Just then a knock came at the door. After a final glare, Porter snarled, “You…don’t move.” With that, he opened the door and left the room.

Esther forced herself slowly to breathe, to calm and compose now that his presence lifted from the room like a cannon weight. It was exceedingly difficult to ground herself, however, and she jumped when the door reopened. Instead of Porter, though, in walked Gryphon!

Esther felt her chin tremble and, as Gryphon approached her gingerly with his hands spread, she threw herself into his arms, burying her face in his shoulder with her arms clasped around his neck. Her chest heaved but she refused to let herself cry.

Gryphon didn’t say a word, just held and shh’ed her quietly. His hand rubbed her back while the other arm wrapped around her waist tightly. Softly, he began to hum. Some obscure Irish tune that vibrated in her ear and down into her belly.

Finally, he whispered, “I wanted to explain…”

Even though she had played this moment over and over in her mind, Esther found herself shaking her head, pulling back gently. Amazingly, she realized that she was no longer angry with him, just missed him terribly.

“I understand what it is to not have a choice,” she murmured, her hand touching his cheek.

Gryphon looked rather downcast as he brushed a loosened tendril away from her temple. “I…want you to know that I am leaving Indiana after tonight.”

“Leaving? Are you serious?” She tried to ignore the tearing somewhere in her heart.

“Yes, it’s too…violent here for me. After what happened with you…” he paused, looking away, before taking her hands in his. “I can’t stay here with all this bloodshed. But I wanted to say goodbye to you…properly.” A rakish smile touched his lips then, “So let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” He took a step towards the massive bed that occupied a good portion of the room.

Esther held tightly to his hand, stopping his progress for a moment. “We don’t have to do this, Angel. I want to talk to you about…”

“I don’t, Esther,” he said softly, lowly. “I don’t want to talk about it. I want…you. Clothes off. On the bed. Now.” That smile almost killed her.

How could she resist it?

Little Thoughts – June 27, 2010


Few things make me smile more than my 3-year-old nephew. I feel an affection and love for him unlike any I’ve ever felt for a child before. When he runs up and hugs me, squealing, “Mel!”, it makes my heart warm. I remember putting him to bed once when he was very little. I loved the weight of him in my lap and my arms, the softness of his downy head against my cheek as I held his bottle and hummed to him the lullabies that I intend for my children some day. His grandparents said that he slept all through the night that night.

I love listening to Nathan talk, seeing him smile and run and laugh and squeal. I am terrified of being a parent someday, few things scare me more, but I still want it. I want to hold our own little one in my arms, feel the weight of their life there. I want to watch my child sit in their father’s lap, begging for stories and saying their prayers. I want to read them their favorite storybooks until they have them memorized. I want to help them with their homework. I want to counsel them through tough times. I want to watch my children with their grandparents, both sets. I want to whisper to them about nightlights. I want my children to see how much their parents love each other and that we like each other as well as love each other. I know there will be times that are hard, frightening, tearful, saddening. But I know that God will carry and help us through it, just as he carried and helped us and our parents.

I want to tell my children that I love them. I want to teach them to sing and pray, to laugh and be merry. I want to play and pretend with my children, encourage their imaginations and their creativity. I want to teach my children to ask questions, to be advocates for their own knowledge. I want to encourage them and teach them to encourage others, help others. I want my children to see our faith and learn from our lives and our experiences in it.

Yes, having children frightens the life out of me but I still want it. I do.

June 23, 2010 – Rageful Pain


Author’s Note: I write this as scene for a character that I play in a larp game. It’s been a long time since a scene flowed so naturally for me. I had a fabulous time with her angst, I must say.

Esther sat in the darkness of her house. Only a few sparse lights on but most in deep, dark shadow. Her mind raced and tumbled and roiled, her spirit yearned and hated and screamed. Her heart twisted and tore and moaned in pain. She felt forces at war within her, threatening to tear her asunder.
He hadn’t come. She had called for him and he hadn’t come. Gryphon had stood there in that room, watched Porter scream and threaten her with torture and death, watched McGreggor half-drain her and somehow force her to burn away the rest of her own blood. He must have watched her drop, lifeless, to the ground. And yet he had said and done nothing! She needed to know why. Why had he been there? Why had he said nothing, stood as far away from her as he could? What was the point? She needed to know. She was angry, yes, extremely so, but, moreover, she was hurt, confused…betrayed. If he had had no desire to help her, he should have stayed out. She’d almost wavered at sight of him, but finally overcame it.

Yes, she was angry. Angry at Porter for doing this to her (yet, she felt that she could understand why he did it, oddly enough), angry at Gryphon for not helping her or at least standing up for her, angry at Gabriel for blaming himself and crying over her, angry at herself for not fighting  back. And she found herself to be especially pissed at the Nosferatu. They were everything that was wrong with this darkened world – self-serving, arrogant, torturous monsters. It was a Nos who had cut her face open and made her relive the most horrible pain of her lifetime. It was a Nos who had had stabbed Julian, spilled the blood that sent her into frenzy and doomed him, they had a hand in Julian’s death as surely as if they had pulled down those curtains themselves. It was a Nos that had held, half-drained, and forced her burn away the rest of her own vitae from her veins. It was a Nos who had ordered it, and a Nos prince that now ruled her city and had surely said nothing in her defense. It was them. They were the cause of everything! Even Fairchild. He was no better than the rest of them. He served his own agenda, no matter what happened to others. He tucked tail and ran while she met her enemy head on. He was just like the rest of the sneaky rats.

Esther’s heart smote her, the bond punishing her even as she thought those things but she didn’t care. Esther shook with rage and pain and found herself screaming. Thankfully, the shadow-swathed studio was soundproofed and her screams died halfway through the heavy insulation. She wanted to cry, wanted to so badly but she refused to allow herself to do so. She barely cared about the world outside the walls of her home, vampiric or mortal. What the hell was she to do now? Carry on as she had before? Surely, she was no longer harpy or herald and was thus of no use to the Nos-filled court in any case. No one would care for her, no one would protect her if they came for her again.

Shakily, Esther stood to her feet, looking at the mirrors all around her in the dance studio, her reflection blurry in the sparse light of the room. Suddenly, with a rageful roar, she rushed at the mirrors, fist striking out at them. The glass shuddered, bent, then cracked, then shattered, falling in shards and shrapnel and bits to the wooden floor. She rushed at the next and obliterated it as well. Systemically, frantically, logically, madly, Esther Montesori rained glass down on the world that she inhabited, sparkling shards covering the floor. Her bare feet were cut, embedded with the razor bits but she did not care. One could hardly say that she felt them.

Empty frames covered the walls, white and blue reflected from the ceiling and onto the floor but in mere bits and pieces. A broken fascimile of the majestic sky. Esther knelt in the middle of it all. Silently, eerily so.

Slender, red-lined fingers unfolded and crept outward, searching for something. Finally it found it. A sharp point flashing in sparse light. A sharp point met flesh and began its course. A sharp point severed skin cell, flesh fibers, sinew and muscle, leaving an open path in its wake. East to West, West to East the paths – two of them – stretched on Esther’s face.

For the fourth time, the final time, she told herself, she bore the marks of absolute pain, absolute helplessness. She would not do it again. She would die before she would do it again.

June 22, 2010 – Weird


There are days when my mind is blank, when nothing flows and my brain hurts. There are days when all I want to do is sleep; I don’t want to talk to anyone, do anything, don’t want to pet Oz, don’t want to read or write. Sometimes it’s just a morning thing, when I’m up early alone. Sometimes I just feel incredibly alone and blah. Sometimes it’s the weather: dark clouds equal dark mood. Dark mood equals dark writing when I can get up the gumption. And, today, honestly, I don’t have it. Yet here I am, giving it the old college try.

= = = =

The night was dark, the air heavy, but she didn’t care. The humidity made her clothes stick to her skin and strands of her hair frizz out of its bun, but she kept walking. She couldn’t remember how long she had been walking and she had no idea of where she was going. All she knew was the desire to get away.

The bruises smarted and she knew it must be starting to turn purple. She winced when she moved it hurt. The pain spread from her inner core outward. She would cry if she had tears but those were all used up; she didn’t have any more of those useless things.

The asphalt was hard and unyielding beneath her feet as she walked down the darkened highway. No streetlights, no payphones. Trees rose up on both sides and things rustled in the underbrush, but she didn’t pay much attention. She just walked.

As the hours wore on, the moon rose above the treeline, full and bright. She was able to see her shadow by the silvery blue light. One of her hands was longer than the other, even by long shadow standards. And her fingers on that hand were gone, her hand just tapered to a point. Weird.

As she walked, a bird flew overhead, its cry startling her. There was a sharp clang but she kept walking. When she looked at her shadow again, her hand looked right again. She wiggled her fingers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. All there.

She kept walking.

As the moon rose higher, it glinted off something left behind in the road. Metal, coated with red. A possum snuck out of the woods, drawn by the scent. It sniffed around the knife, found it uninteresting, and slunk away into the underbrush again.