New Developments – June 11, 2012

Last Friday, I had my first prenatal appointment. Oh, for those of you who don’t know, I’m  about three months pregnant. My new OBGYN is very nice, I like her. I got go through all the mortification of a pelvic and breast exam, but we also got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It was loud and strong. I know that made Ben feel really good, to know that something is actually there. That it’s not a mistake or a fluke or anything like that. I would hate to have done something like that to him with my body.

Yesterday was rough for me. I was tired and moody (read: angry, annoyed, teary) and I hated every minute of it. The cookout with Ben’s parents was nice and I got a few quiet minutes with Ben by the fire after they left, before we put it out. And I apologized to him for my moodiness that day. I think part of me what overwhelmed with what he wanted to do; he’s looking into getting a new vehicle, something with 4-wheel drive, since the baby will be born in mid-winter. That, along with needing to get our Caliber fixed and the possibilities of renovations to the house for the baby…the money involved in all of this scares me a bit. I’m doing my best to take it one day at a time, but I think yesterday I was dealing with just being scared and overwhelmed by it all.

We’re having a baby! Ben had his freak-out moment last night when we went to bed, which caused me to start a bit, too. Though he made me chuckle, saying, “No, this is my freak-out moment. We can’t both freak out at the same time. You be encouraging.” He has been encouraging and gentle through my every freak-out moment since we found out, many of which have been accompanied by tears. They aren’t nearly as explosive now but that nervousness, that worry never actually leaves. I just hope the old wives’ tales aren’t true and it doesn’t affect the baby.

Daily Writing – September 22, 2011 – Baby Thoughts

Over Labor Day weekend, I had the privilege of meeting Ben’s 3-month-old 2nd cousin.  We got to his aunt and uncle’s house and, within ten minutes, I had the little one in my arms. Her weight in my arms felt wonderful, as did her soft, downy head against my cheek. I had her sleeping away within 10 minutes and I just loved the feeling of her little form against me. I still want children of my own and am consistently praying for guidance as to timing. I want to give Ben the children he wants. I’m not in the baby rage that many of my friends have been in lately, but it hasn’t been lost on me just how many of those friends are having children of their own.

However, for a few moments, I forgot all of that and just reveled in holding this beautiful little girl, rocking her, singing to her as though she were my own. Somewhere in the back of my head, I marveled at how natural it felt and I could feel the old insecurities nurtured — unwittingly, I know — by my family warring with the desire to just stay in that moment with this miraculous little bundle of life. It was a beautiful few moments.