I am Charlie Brown

Every year, at Christmastime, I have the same realization: I am Charlie Brown. I’ve been depressed with Christmas shopping, run off my feet with activities, stressed out with preparations, and just not very much in the Christmas spirit, honestly.  At some point in the holidays, I “always end up feeling depressed”. And I forget.

I forget the quiet moments, the still small voice that seeks to remind me of the reason why we celebrate Christmas and this season. I forget the Lord that came to earth, bringing hope with his life, and joy amidst the fears of the day-to-day. I forget His peace. And I wish I didn’t. But peace is fleeting in this season, and I snatch it in the few moments that I can. Five minutes in the snowfall after taking out the trash. Twenty minutes in a nearly-empty Bob Evans while waiting for my order. It’s that tranquility that I should be keeping with me all the time, not snatching them like islands in a sea of chaos. But that’s what the season has become for so many of us: chaos. The peaceful moments are so few and far between in everyday life, and I wish that weren’t the case. But sometimes, those fleeting instants of peace are all we can do.

NaBloPoMo Day 8: Shopping Blues

I started my Christmas shopping today, and in the past I have found a joy in it. But not today, not really. I felt worse the longer I went on with it, though I did make a good dent in my list. But I felt depressed; I always do at Christmas time. And I think I know why.

I feel depressed because I always want to do more. I want to give my family more. More than just mere things. I want to give them trips, new experiences, chances to learn new things, see sights they have only dreamt of. I want to give them the world, but I don’t have it.

When I was in college, a friend of mine who couldn’t afford presents for her friends did something incredibly sweet. She gave each of us a letter and, in that letter, she told what she would have given us if she could give what she truly wanted. For me, she gave me the role of Lucy in Jekyll & Hyde on Broadway. It’s my favorite musical. That meant a lot – the thought, the gesture, all of it. And all without a physical gift.

I want to do great things for those I love. I want to give them the world, even if I can’t give them the world.